Diets!!

Ok I am on a diet!!! Don't like diets, they don't like me either!!! Last year I went on a special liquid diet, which did not include alcohol, and lost loads of weight, but unfortunately it has found me again! So me and himself are doing this together and we will win!!!!!
Just wish the following was true!

FOOD HAS NO CALORIES IF...
You eat it while standing.
In fact some research suggests it may have negative calories.
If you eat it while standing at the sink.
You can't remember eating it afterward.
You share it.
You eat it with your fingers.
Empty calories = zero calories!
Always eat equal portions of white chocolate and dark chocolate.
The calories in each will cancel the other out.

BATHROOM SCALE DIET TRICKS
1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewelry as it could weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.


DIET QUIPS
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.
The older you get the harder it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become good friends.
I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.
I am in shape. Round's a shape.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever.
Diet is 'Die' with a 't'.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Oh well off to eat some healthy food!!!!