The F Word

There are only eleven times in history when the 'F' word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"--Capt. E.J. Smith, RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"--Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all these @#$%ing Indians come from?"-- General Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "Geez! I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad!" -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

Sat Nav with attitude

last year himself treated us to a tom tom, sat nav, mainly because i do most of the driving and he had to do the navigating, he got fed up with having to give me instructions at every junction, yes i am that bad!

well i love my tom tom, but sometimes i think he takes the p**s, i have been known to ignore him on occasions when i know of a short cut, i have even shoved him in the boot of the car still switched on, well he got his own back big style last night!

two weeks ago i drove some friends to manchester airport, its an hours drive from where i live, anyway i get to the end of the m67 and he tells me to take the 2nd exit off the roundabout, WHAT no way the airport is signposted so i ignore him, for the rest of the journey he keeps saying 'turn around when possible'. Oh shut up tom tom.

last night i went back to the airport to collect my friends from their holiday, and i decided, ok tom tom you know the fastest route so hey i will obey you! oh my god it was his pay back time big style!

i took the 2nd exit off the roundabout, even though the airport signs tell me not too, i followed his instructions, thinking, well he knows best, so i kept on driving, thinking where the hell are we going, but no tom tom will get me there have faith in him.

'turn left in 300 yards, this i did, 'you have reached your destination'. WHAT i was on the A34 on the outskirts of manchester with not an airplane in sight! hey and not too many people about either! oh my god your having a laugh aren't you!

checked the settings, it definately said manchester airport, have they bloody moved it in the last two weeks!

sod you you git, i turned around and made my own way to the airport! and all the time i am sure i could here my tom tom laughing and saying this is for all those times you have ignored me and shoved me into that cold and lonely boot!

well tom tom i am so very sorry if i have ever hurt your feelings please forgive me i promise never to hurt you again!

but the next time i go to manchester airport i will sneak out of the house without telling you and you can bloody well stop at home!

Little Barry - Billys Brother!

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up he letter and started over.

LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either.

Barry was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE.

is it wednesday already

i can't beleive its wednesday already!

and what have i done all week, well i went to bingo on sunday and was one number off winning a grand!

i cancelled my latest ISP and went back to the trustworthy cable company and in doing so i lost my anti virus, so bought a new one.

ah but that wouldn't install, so after hundreds of costly phone calls and getting nowhere fast i enlisted the help from a friend who is shit hot with pcs, but it has him baffled too!

so my new 2006 norton sits in its case and my friend has installed an earlier addition of norton, so i am protected again!

but the on going problem is why wont my pc let me install the 2006 version all i get is the same error "9999,171" and when i follow the instructions to correct it i get the message -

live update install failed because live update was not able to register one of its componants. you need to have write access to the registry to install live updates.

so why haven't i got write to the registry its beyond me

so if there is any help out there send it my way please.

have managed to keep up with you all, even if i haven't left a comment

ah well its off to walk mr milo, thats the dog in case you are wondering why i would walk himself!

oh i forgot i did do something exciting i booked me holidays, we are going to Rhodes in a couple of weeks for some serious s's - sun, sea, sand and sex!!!!!!

Time for a Funny

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Looking in, she saw her daughter giving herself a real work-out with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied: "mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.''

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.

Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.

She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked 'what the hell are you doing?' The husband replied I'm watching football with my son in law'

Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is A "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "SURGICALLY ENHANCED.

"9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "CONSTANTLY INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

i am not really missing

hi everyone i have not really gone missing honest i am still here alive and kicking, and boy am i kicking! its time to say it ASS-HAT!!!!!!!

been off line since friday, had a new isp and it went down hill from there, it was himself that wanted to change, had always been with cable, but he fancied trying sky broadband so we have.

bet you can't guess whos regreting it can you! yep that be right then it be himself! ASS-HAT!!!!!!!!

and i bet you can't guess who is trying to get everything up and running again can you! yep right again that be me!

we had a new anti virus installed and it just wouldn't let me sign on to blogger or to my e-mails, have only just managed it and thats after spending 40 more mins on the phone to sky!

so i will be around and catching up with everyones news as soon as.

First Day at School

i read this poem today in a daily paper and having been reading your blogs about the new school term thought i would share it with you.

IT'S FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL

NOW THERE'S NO NEED FOR TEARS

YOU HOLD HIS HAND TIGHTLY

FOR, THROUGH HIS FIRST YEARS

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN PARTED;

NOT FOR A DAY;

BUT NOW THEY ARE OVER;

THOSE SHORT YEARS OF PLAY.

WEARING HIS BLAZER WITH BADGE

HE'S SO PROUD,

AS HE GOES THROUGH THE GATE

TO JOIN WITH THE CROWD.

MOST OF THEM OLDER, HE LOOKS SO SMALL

STANDING IN LINE TO AWAIT THEACHERS CALL.

THEN THROUGH THOSE GREAT DOORS

INTO THE SCHOOL

YOU WAVE, QUIETLY WEEPING,

YOU FEEL SUCH A FOOL.

THE CHILDREN ARE SMILING;

THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK ROUND,

BUSILY CHATTING TO NEW FRIENDS THEY'VE FOUND.

THE MOTHERS ARE SILENT

WHEN THEY HEAR THE BELL.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE;

THEY'RE CRYING AS WELL

now isn't that so true, and i bet there has been some fathers who have shed a little tear as they send their children to school for the first time!

Neighbours

Neighbours - no not the Australian soap programme but real neighbours!

Why do I always end up with neighbours that are ignorant, noisey, rude and just unpleasant, is it me or what!

When we got married we lived in blackpool and rented a flat opposite south pier, it was winter and the season was well and truly over, we had no neighbours, which was great for a newly married coupled if you get my meaning!

We then moved to a flat that my boss owned, fine till we bought our first little car, and I mean little a fiat 500, himself is 6'2" and he only just managed to sit inside it, it had a soft top, well sun roof, which was just as well or we would have had to have a hole cut out of the roof!

There was no off street parking so we parked outside the flat, as you would, oh no the neighbours had 'claimed' that parking place, hey its a bloody road we can park here you don't own it, so the war went on for a year till we moved.

Nice flat, upstairs quiet road, local shops opposite lovely. Neighbours great then I had unexpected guests, bloody mice! Hate them oh how I hate them! Himself was working nights and I just could not sleep there, was sleeping at parents or friends it just couldn't go on, so off we went and moved into a council flat, ground floor in a cul-de-sac.

the neighbours there were all OAP's so there was no loud music, no one coming home late at night drunk, I got on with all of them, the lady next door was bed ridden so I used to go and sit with her for an hour in the evenings chatting and putting the world to right. Sadly she died as a lot of the neighbours did being OAP's. Then the flat upstairs became empty and in moved a very respectable young lady, oh how wrong was I!

She became the first real neighbour from hell! She would vacuum and move her furniture around, what's wrong with that you ask, well she did it in the middle of the bloody night! Then she would throw pots and pans at us as we were coming in and out and even pour bleach over us, I was pregnant at the time and it wasn't doing me any good. So off we move again! All well at first then a young single mum moved in upstairs, she had the loudest voice you ever did hear, no carpets and then got a new fella, well night times were just spent trying to sleep through the banging of the bed! God was I glad we had no neighbours when we first got married!

anyways we moved to Sheffield, to be near my family, had good neighbours for a while then Diane moved next door, loud music, dressed very skimpy and flirted with all, we would have stayed but moved to Cheshire with hubbies job, brand new house marvelous. Then himself suffered the 2nd heart attack, the naughty neighbours just would give us peace they just enjoyed arguing for arguing sake! And they had a dog who was kept in a kennel outside all day he started barking when they went to work at 7.30 and rarely stopped till they got home at 5pm.

Back to Sheffield we did go, but we ended up on a very bad estate, cars pinched and burnt out, drug addicts all over, the lad was bullied and then the icing on the cake, visitors of the rodent variety, those lovely little mice! Packed up and went to Bolton. How wrong was that move! The worst so far in neighbours! They would block our car in, their alarm would go off at all hours and they slept through it! yep they were very hard of hearing! So every conversation they had we heard, it really was a nightmare, we stayed till the lad finished school.

back to that lovely place we now call home SHEFFIELD, we do love it here and we will not be moving, regardless of the neighbours, I mean what's wrong with the loud music and being ignored. We have great neighbours around us apart from the ones next door but I will not move again, they can play their music and continue ignoring us I don't give a damn!

so that's my grip over and done with honest, I am not usually a moaning sort of person I leave that to himself ha ha!

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

these made me laugh hope you enjoy them

here goes

well short and sweet, just like me, just to let the world of bloggers know i am still alive, well there could be a debate on that!

i am posting this last post, now now i dont mean a very last post, i mean i am going to try and upgrade to this beta blogging, a few of you have already done it so fingers crossed i will manage it.

i have been having problems leaving comments on some sites and i know me mate, yep i do have a mate! in ireland is having trouble leaving comments on my page an she has gone over to the beta, but how beta is the beta if you know what i mean!

so any one who doesn't hear from me for a while it dont mean i am not reading your posts it just means that i have got into a muddle and might need rescuing!

so hope you are all alright and hope to be popping up on your comment pages again very soon

wish me luck bye for now