Why Worry

There are only two things to worry about,
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well then there is nothing to worry about,
But if you are sick there are two things to worry about.
Either you get well or die.
If you get well there is nothing to worry about.
If you die there are two things to worry about,
Either you go to heaven or you go to hell
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about
But if you go to hell, well you will be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you wont have time to worry!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Billy

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f##king business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f##king difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?"
LITTLE BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, LITTLE BILLY, that's a mouthful.
" Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Royal Armouries Museum

went to the royal armouries museum on sunday it was a great day out we watched a jousting tounament which was good fun, the suits of armours weigh about 70lb!



the above photo is of himself trying on a helmet, did try and buy it so he could wear it all the time, well it would be kinder on my eyes!
there is loads to see it is a huge place spread over five floors and its free! the tounament was £5 but was worth it. hope you enjoy the photos.

Condoms Checkout

A man was in a long line at Tescos. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn'tknow.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box oflarge condoms, checkout 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of men was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to thecheckout he told the assistant he needed some condoms.
She asked him whatsize and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and hedid. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

"CLEANUP, checkout 5."

9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE

9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

meet mr milo

thought i would introduce you to Mr Milo, he is getting on now in dog life he is 77! bless him, he still loves going for long walks and still plays as if he was a pup!

have met many a friends through dog walking me mate in ireland being one of them we have been pals for five years now and all because we used to see each other whilst out walking the dogs. think the world of her and i miss since she moved over to ireland last year.

Mr Milo has one problem, well not really a problem, he is gay! yep he loves male dogs and i mean he loves them! his present boyfriend is a black lab called bruno, he just loves bruno very embarassing i can tell you!

SMART ASS ANSWERS

smartass answer 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." ***************

Smart Ass Answer ..4: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." *******************

Smart Ass Answer ..3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. *******************

Smart Ass Answer ..2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." ******************* ..

1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005....... A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!

HOWZAT

just been watching the cricket, well i say that lightly as it was on the tv as himself was flicking between football and cricket.

So they were accussed of messing with the ball, but whats new they are men and dont men always mess with their balls!

Umpires and batsmen reappeared on the pitch but alas no bowler or fielders came out to play, so the umpires removed the bails signalling end of play, but no the bowling side decided to play, nope too late chaps go back in the dressing room and mess with your balls!

learning chinese

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
1) That is not right...........................................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?.......................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?............................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table........................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...........................Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here..................................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet......................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.............................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.....Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.....................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile.....................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive......................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great........................................................Fa Kin Su Pah

hope no one finds this post offensive, sorry if you do

CONDOMS

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tagline............Sainsbury Condoms - Making life taste better.
Tesco Condoms - Every little helps.
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - Keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.
Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.
FCUK condoms - No comment required.
Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork.
Halford condoms - We go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms - Size really does matter.
Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - It's dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes.
Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim.
Heineken condoms - Reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
Carlsburg condoms - Probably the best condom in the world.
Mars condoms - A condom a day helps you work rest and play.
AA Condoms - For the 4th emergency service.
Pepperoni condoms - It's a bit of an animal.
Polo condoms - The condom with the hole [VERY poor seller!!!]