The 12 Days Of Christmas
I love this one heard a few years back but it still makes me smile
December 14
Dearest John
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised darling!
With deepest love,
Agnes
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December 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!
With all my love,
Your Agnes
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December 16
Dearest John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!
Love,
Agnes
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December 17
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic dear.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18
Dearest darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You're just impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19
Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20
John,
What the hell is with you and those fucking birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There's bird shit everywhere! The little bastards never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny you weirdo.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21
O.K. Buster,
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their damn cows!! There is shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house!! Just lay off me smartass, or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
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December 22
Hey Shithead,
What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a petition against me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
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December 23
You rotten prick!!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not ladies! These broads are having an orgy with the pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea! My living room is a river of shit, and the building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause for having all these animals. I'm calling the police on you creep!
One who means it!
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December 24
Listen fuckhead!
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!?!?! Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been sodomizing the cows. At least the birds are quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25
Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
30 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total.
If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Merry Christmas smartass!! (snicker snicker)
Cordially,
Badger, Binder, and Irwin
12 comments:
hahahahahahaha.............
deck the halls..............YEY
pssssssstttt....i dont deem a mention on ur links uhm....baaaaaaddddd girlx
i will 'take that' as a hint and link ya this min minj!
vvvveeeeerrrrryyyyy, vvvveeeeerrrrryyyy, interesting I say........
That's hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.
Finally!! Someone does that song a little justice! :) Thanks for the holiday giggle... Hope you're having a great weekend and week... Auntie J
check out dinners indian version over at drunk punk.
(link at his or my blog)
Too funny! I like this version much better.
Hilarious! I hate that song! haha
Wonder if she paid for the lawyers with the five golden rings?
This is funny. With the new stalker laws, this guy would probably get life in prison and five years in the electric chair. But if you love someone…
Finally, I get to your blog...I hada to go to my site meter, visits, to get here. For some reason, when I click on your name in my comments, your e-mail comes up...I'm slow, but finally figured out a way. I'll be back to read the 12 Days of Christmas.
HeHe! ! ! Thanks! ! ! I needed that right now - - - feeling the pressure of the next 2 weeks of pure H#ll. . .
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